I've decided to keep this blog going for a while at least, so that I can write here about how I'm doing for those who want to know.  I also need to write. I've been avoiding it in my depression, but I know that now is when I most need to do it, so I'm going to try to post here more often.

Yesterday was one month since mom's death.  Last night I finally took the sleeping pill prescribed by my psychiatrist.  I got a good, full night's sleep for the first time since she passed. I survived the first month.  That's about the best thing I can say about it.  It's not that there haven't been some good things that have happened in the past four weeks; there have been a few. But it has been very hard. Harder than I ever imagined.  I always imagined that I would just fall apart when she was gone, but I haven't -- and that seems even harder.The hardest part of all is just trying to keep going.  I have spent these days in a fog most of the time, doing a little bit here, a little bit there, knowing logically that I have to move at the end of October, but not really being able to accept it.

I know the stages of grief, and I know that I have been going through them.  What I didn't expect is how they come all mixed up together, shifting in and out of my days like someone is shuffling them for me like cards.  One minute I'll be fine and the next I'll be so angry I can't function.  Then by turns I'll be confused, going through shock and disbelief mixed with acceptance.  I'm not sure how much my own mental conditions impact my ability to process the grief, but I'm thinking it's quite a lot.  I have support.  I have tons of friends who still check in on me and are keeping an ear to the ground in case I need them.  I have my therapist, psychiatrist, and case worker. I have my medications. What I don't have that I need is mom's moral support for getting through each day a bit at a time.

The upshot of my having to prepare to move while going through all of this is that I haven't done a very good job preparing to move.  Some things have gotten done, and my cousin has helped a lot. So has my friend Ruby.  But I haven't been functional enough to go at it in an organized way, so right now the house is a big disorganized mess and I only have six days to go until the Salvation Army pickup, and only ten days to go until I need to be out of here.  My landlord is a gem. He is willing to work with me, give me an extra month week by week if I need it.  But what I really want is not to need it, but to just get it done.  I'm also struggling financially with no income, waiting on the insurance money to come in so that I can pay bills and buy moving supplies. I know that God will help me get through it, I know that I can get through it, I just need to motivate myself to do what can be done until it is all done. Prayers and help are welcome. If you think you might be able to help in some way, please call me or email me.  I will update again tomorrow.