It has never been so hard to begin to write, but I know I must.

Mom passed away September 20, 2011, in the afternoon. She was surrounded by loved ones and went very peacefully. I am thankful for her peaceful death, that she is not suffering anymore, and for all those who helped to ease her transition.

I am still me.  I always thought that after losing mom I would fall apart completely and stop functioning.  I haven't.  In fact, for the two weeks after her death, I was super high-functioning, more functional than I've ever been.  I chalk it up to the fact that there were things to do. I still have things to do . . . so much that it overwhelms me. But I've taken the past couple of days to stop, rest, and think.  I just wish I knew what to think about what to do next. In the first days after mom's death, I always had a list of things to do. I still do. I'm just not sure what direction to move in. I feel lost, like a sailor without a compass, abandoned at sea and becalmed.

I, too, am surrounded by loved ones.  They are everywhere.  Every day I get phone calls, texts, emails, asking me how I am doing. I appreciate the love and support, but I honestly am not sure how I'm doing. It's a moment by moment process trying to deal with this much grief.  I feel like a pressure valve on a massive tank, holding back tons of pressure but able to release only a little at a time.  I guess it's good that I'm only able to process it in small amounts . . . if it all came at once they might lock me up for not being able to stop crying.

When I do cry, it's usually for mom. As though I thought she might still be here somewhere, just hiding around a corner. But she isn't able to come to me in the same comforting way anymore. Instead, I get a dog. A big black dog. :) He always rushes to me when he hears me beginning to cry out, sticking his snuffly nose in my face and licking away my tears. What a great blessing this beast has been in all days, but especially now.

In the days ahead I am facing a move and a purging of most of my belongings and hers (out of sheer necessity).  It is this purge which I believe has me emotionally and physically stalled at the moment.  Part of me wants to save every little thing that might have some significance in the future even if it doesn't now, but it's truly time to tame the pack rat in me.  I will be moving from a six room house with a full basement to one room.  I don't have a choice.  It's frightening and exciting at the same time. It will be a benture of discovery and faith.

I cannot write more now, but I will. Tonight or tomorrow. Be at peace.