I have been pondering the start of this blog for a long time. There are several reasons to do it, not the least of which is to presserve my own sanity. I have also several reasons for not doing it, the most important being protecting mom's privacy. I have wondered, will some people hate me for being honest about what I am feeling from day to day? I suppose so. But what other people think has never been much of a factor in my life, especially not in the times I was happiest. I am not happy now. I have just come through what may have been the most difficult seven months of my life and I'm looking forward to more difficulties ahead which cannot be circumvented. I have wondered about what mom would think about this, in fact I've even talked to her about it. She probably doesn't remember telling me that I should write whatever is in my heart and not worry about what other prople think, but knowing her the way that I do I can be fairly assured that if I asked her again, I would receive the same or a very similar reply. At this point in her life (I'm not sure about other points, but I suspect that I could say "always" here) she is far more worried about me and my condition than about herself.
My mother has end stage COPD. She also has microvascular multifarc dementia, a heart condition, and severe gastrointestinal issues that may eventually force her onto a feeding tube full time. She will not get better, they tell us, but recently they have been surprised at her progress. She could live as little as six months or as long as six years, or longer. She suffers every day, not always from pain, but also from indignity and frustration. I am her daughter. I am her primary caretaker. I am her advocate. I am her "angel".
I suffer every day too. I have lots of issues besides caring for mom, both mental and physical.What do I hope to gain by sharing this suffering with people? First, I want to create a record not only of our suffering but of our joys. They are few and far between and too soon forgotten in the mists of confusion on both our parts. Also, I would like to open up some about some things that are difficult to talk about with anyone in the course of normal conversation. Finally, I hope, some people will read this and understand what we are going through and perhaps even share their experience and insight with us, if not to make our road easier, then to lighten our load by feeling we share it with others.
My mother has end stage COPD. She also has microvascular multifarc dementia, a heart condition, and severe gastrointestinal issues that may eventually force her onto a feeding tube full time. She will not get better, they tell us, but recently they have been surprised at her progress. She could live as little as six months or as long as six years, or longer. She suffers every day, not always from pain, but also from indignity and frustration. I am her daughter. I am her primary caretaker. I am her advocate. I am her "angel".
I suffer every day too. I have lots of issues besides caring for mom, both mental and physical.What do I hope to gain by sharing this suffering with people? First, I want to create a record not only of our suffering but of our joys. They are few and far between and too soon forgotten in the mists of confusion on both our parts. Also, I would like to open up some about some things that are difficult to talk about with anyone in the course of normal conversation. Finally, I hope, some people will read this and understand what we are going through and perhaps even share their experience and insight with us, if not to make our road easier, then to lighten our load by feeling we share it with others.
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